March 17, 2000
''Mom, in the approaching Sunset, it seems your eyes are looking towards the promised Sunrise. You're quite a Lady
and I am in awe of your courage and calm. I Love You and I will be less of what I am without you. I'm
seeking the belief, the comforting Graces of you being joyfully Re-united with your little son Jerry Don and your
Mom n Dad.. and, that the rest of my days, you'll be like the perpetual Sunrise ... you'll be here.''
|4-8-2000||Bless you all ,, i cannot begin to tell you how touched and warmed Mom has been by every one of the Messages sent to her thru her Message page here at the Gospel Jukebox. (patchy too)|
|6-1-2000||i just returned to California from a 3 week visit in Missouri. spending Mother's Day and Mom's 76th Birthday with her... looking at her face and listening to her voice as much as i could.|
|6-9-2000||in response to questions from
no, Mom does not have a computer. much to her chagrin, she has never been able to visit, see my web site. but
she is kept aware of the songs added to this Gospel Juke. i play them for her, over the phone.
|7-2-2000||i continue to thank you for messages you send to Mom. she looks forward to them. her current condition is as to be expected...worsening. recently, pain medication was increased.|
|8-1-2000||tomorrow, for the first
time, Hospice Personnel will be visiting Mom. a recent addition to
medication for nausea an related symptoms .. appears to be helping minutely...
we are hoping that it will continue to do so, even at that small level,
as those symptoms have been disturbing her rest to point of exhaustion.
i think Mom is trying,, in her mind,, to compose a message for me to give
all of you that have written her. it is difficult for her.
of course, if and when she is able to accomplish that, i will post it here.
|9-18-2000||Mom, according to her wishes,
remains at home, in her little apartment. Mom's physical discomfort
with the most common of things, such as eating and keeping it down,, is
increasing daily. she needs assistance to get upright, assistance for most
anything you can think of. morphine dosage is increased 'almost' weekly.
as most of you know, Mom and I communicate by telephone and these 'conversations'
have become less n less 'in-depth' and frequently interrupted. a
few days ago, a Hospice nurse communicated to two of my Aunts, she believes
the time has come that someone should 'sit' with her at all times. earlier
this evening, for the first time ever, she was too ill to take my phone
call, even for a few moments.
weakening, too. tho I am trying so hard to follow your example, I am not as brave as you.''
p.m. pst (with a great deal of effort and determination,,Candy dictated
to me via telephone the following message for all of you .. word for word,
friends in Christian Love,
|9-27-2000||today .... many tears ...
today Mom had to leave behind her home .. her apartment.... everything
except the items she would be able to take and have in her room at the
Hospice Nursing Home. in my very brief conversation with her, just
a couple of hours before she was taken to the Hospice, she said to me,
''ohhhhh Patty, I love you soooo much and I have told you so many times
not to give up .. and I tried so hard not to give up because that is what
I always tell you and your brother!'' in something of a numb daze
..i asked her to believe she was not ''giving up'' .. in any way, but more
like .. ''letting go'' .. ''turning things over'' .. ''lessening a load''
and other things i do not recall now. today .. i heard faint traces
of Fear in her voice. after i hung up the phone, i said a tiny prayer
out loud, and then realized i also heard Fear in mine.
i believe she fears the pain and losing control in darkness. right now, i fear her pain and that i might be failing her
as i lose her.
|10-9-2000||in spite of morphine and other
medications, her nausea and pain are almost non-stop,, along with other
major, uncomfortable, symptoms of this disease that have now set in and
stay with her. telephone communications between
Mom and i have been near impossible for several days now. i was informed last night there are some signs of impending kidney failure. strange, the tears i thought i had already cried, seemed to have returned in full force.
|10-10-2000||i will be leaving for Missouri
as soon as is physically possible (in the next day or so) and will be there
for a currently unknown, length of time. if my Mom should pass
to the other side before i leave access to my computer, i will try my best
to post it here, to let you all know.... otherwise, i will add to this
journal upon my return.
p.s. how can i ever thank all of you, from around the world, who have touched my Mom's last months of life, warming her heart, making her feel special, comforting her, sending her your Prayers, stories and good thoughts ... all thru your Messages. i cannot think of adequate words.
p.m. pst approx two hours ago ... I arrived home from my 48
day stay in Missouri. I arrived in Missouri on October 14th ... which
enabled me to spend many hours at her bedside during her last weeks.
she knew me when I arrived and was able to give me a smile and big hug.
within a matter of days after my arrival she was in a random comatose,
yet uncomfortable condition most of the time. occasionally, there
were brief times when she spoke with her eyes and with a touch of her hand.
at her bedside were four of her seven sisters ... and patchy.
'Fly, fly upon the wings of Heaven's Love....You've escaped your sorrow
and the pain, you Fly again''