This page contains the Brief Journal written during
Candy's last months and a Photo of her.
(photo added May 2001)


March 17, 2000
''Mom, in the approaching Sunset,  it seems your eyes are looking towards the promised Sunrise. You're quite a Lady
and I am in awe of your courage and calm.  I Love You and I will be less of what I am without you.  I'm
seeking the belief,  the comforting Graces of you being joyfully Re-united with your  little son Jerry Don and your
Mom n Dad.. and, that the rest of my days, you'll be like the perpetual Sunrise ... you'll be here.''

 
4-8-2000 Bless you all ,, i cannot begin to tell you how touched and warmed Mom has been by every one of the Messages sent to her thru her Message page here at the Gospel Jukebox.  (patchy too)
6-1-2000 i just returned to California from a 3 week visit in Missouri. spending Mother's Day and Mom's 76th Birthday with her...  looking at her face and listening to her voice as much as i could.
6-9-2000 in response to questions from sooo many:
no, Mom does not have a computer. much to her chagrin,  she has never been able to visit, see my web site. but
she is kept aware of the songs added to this Gospel Juke.  i play them for her, over the phone.
7-2-2000 i continue to thank you for messages you send to Mom.  she looks forward to them. her current condition is as to be expected...worsening.  recently, pain medication was increased.
8-1-2000 tomorrow,  for the first time, Hospice Personnel will be visiting Mom.  a recent addition to medication for nausea an related symptoms .. appears to be helping minutely... we are hoping that it will continue to do so, even at that small level, as those symptoms have been disturbing her rest to point of exhaustion. i think Mom is trying,, in her mind,, to compose a message for me to give all of you that have written her.  it is difficult for her.
of course, if and when she is able to accomplish that, i will post it here.
9-18-2000 Mom, according to her wishes, remains at home, in her little apartment.  Mom's physical discomfort with the most common of things, such as eating and keeping it down,, is increasing daily. she needs assistance to get upright, assistance for most anything you can think of. morphine dosage is increased 'almost' weekly.  as most of you know, Mom and I communicate by telephone and these 'conversations' have become less n less 'in-depth' and frequently interrupted.  a few days ago, a Hospice nurse communicated to two of my Aunts, she believes the time has come that someone should 'sit' with her at all times. earlier this evening, for the first time ever, she was too ill to take my phone call, even for a few moments.
''Mom, as your body rapidly weakens, it seems my personal strength is
weakening, too. tho I am trying so hard to follow your example, I am not as brave as you.''
9-22-00  12:08 p.m. pst (with a great deal of effort and determination,,Candy dictated to me via telephone the following message for all of you .. word for word, no editing)

to my friends in Christian Love,
how can i ever thank you and express to you the comfort and support your email printouts have given me.  coming
from all parts of this country and the world, they each give me a measure of joy and comfort and understanding and
strength, especially when it seems like strength, some days, is so very weak.  i'm sure all the prayers and Christain
love is helping me take another step ....for another day.  never doubt, each and every one of you .. your prayers
have helped me.  i'll go knowing that somewhere, some place in this world, there is a prayer going up to God for
me, from one of you.  i now am having  extra pain and extra decisions to make about things getting worse
and decisions about my care. it is more difficult than i ever could have imagined. from your emails, i know many
of you understand the painful process of these decisions and this disease.  so forgive me for the words and feelings
i have for all of you in my heart, still unsaid. i want to say here, that i am so fortunate to have my loving family to lean
on and i wonder how i could ever be blessed with such a wonderful daughter, as my girl patchy.  to read your many expressions of love and praise for her as a person and for her work at her web site, make my heart sing.
until later, love in God and all together, 
from the one you all know as patchy's Mom.... i send you my love and gratitude, Candy

9-27-2000 today .... many tears ... today Mom had to leave behind her home .. her apartment.... everything except the items she would be able to take and have in her room at the Hospice Nursing Home.  in my very brief conversation with her, just a couple of hours before she was taken to the Hospice, she said to me, ''ohhhhh Patty, I love you soooo much and I have told you so many times not to give up .. and I tried so hard not to give up because that is what I always tell you and your brother!''  in something of a numb daze ..i asked her to believe she was not ''giving up'' .. in any way, but more like .. ''letting go'' .. ''turning things over'' .. ''lessening a load''  and other things i do not recall now.  today .. i heard faint traces of Fear in her voice.  after i hung up the phone, i said a tiny prayer out loud, and then realized i also heard Fear in mine.
i believe she fears the pain and losing control in darkness.  right now, i fear her pain and that i might be failing her
as i lose her.
10-9-2000 in spite of morphine and other medications, her nausea and pain are almost non-stop,, along with other major, uncomfortable, symptoms of this disease that have now set in and stay with her.  telephone communications between
Mom and i have been near impossible for several days now.  i was informed last night there are some signs of impending kidney failure.  strange, the tears i thought i had already cried, seemed to have returned in full force.
10-10-2000 i will be leaving for Missouri as soon as is physically possible (in the next day or so) and will be there for a currently unknown, length of time.   if my Mom should pass to the other side before i leave access to my computer, i will try my best to post it here, to let you all know.... otherwise, i will add to this journal upon my return.

p.s. how can i ever thank all of you, from around the world, who have touched my Mom's last months of life, warming her heart, making her feel special, comforting her, sending her your Prayers, stories and good thoughts ... all thru your Messages.  i cannot think of adequate words.

12-4-2000 1:30 p.m. pst   approx two hours ago ... I arrived home from my 48 day stay in Missouri.  I arrived in Missouri on October 14th ... which enabled me to spend many hours at her bedside during her last weeks.   she knew me when I arrived and was able to give me a smile and big hug.  within a matter of days after my arrival she was in a random comatose, yet uncomfortable condition most of the time.  occasionally, there were brief times when she spoke with her eyes and with a touch of her hand.
Mom passed from this world on Sat Nov 11  at  11:25 a.m.
at her bedside were four of her seven sisters ... and patchy.

b  May 1924   -   d  Nov 2000
''our love and memories will be evergreen''

'Mom, 'Fly, fly upon the wings of Heaven's Love....You've escaped your sorrow and the pain, you Fly again''

right click on the console, click Play to hear a song that played in my mind a lot during those last weeks.

someday, I hope to be able to write down and share with you some of my thoughts and feelings and experiences
and yes, some of my pain... about and during this painful journey and loss of my Mom.
right now, i am almost at a loss for words,,,, perhaps because i myself, feel so lost without her in this world.
patchy